A Razin' And A Reivin'

i had stepped outside for closin' down of a one and on to an othern when i stepped into familiar faces an after a handin' across a friendship an good relations she stepped to close,
-do you have a light?
an i new from half a instant what i knew yet unknown yet even after her short steps away with bike helmet unlock leg over and a takin' off with cigarette fire glow she was hangin' on and after short pointin' and a good evenin' to all and present hers was a face stayed with me.

and for half a walk home and sidewalk stare followin' synapse circuits into the dustiest corners i tried to remember from where and just where i mighta coulda known from where and maybe even how and of course all these things in front of a backdrop of thinkin' i had been doin' on lost loves and those not quite and pieces left in the hands of otherns we'll never know again i started to thinkin' on a good deal many other things and indeed.

you see i had spent most of the day full a thought but a aimless wandrin' sort after learnin' upon that which had somehow snuck by me in the innocence of what coulda been called youth in those days when it was still of a sort. a sort of life that i know and very well indeed that had yet to come at me like the force it would in my more recent of years. a life of love and vaguenesses and all misunderstandins and romance and choices from it all needin' to be made at the most inopportune of times - 'cause that's when they always seem to be, and don't we all know, needin' to be made. a life i usedta thought that i knew and quite well but that had surprised me in recent hours due to its humanity and frailty and all else that we all must face but so often and quite usually never get to know. i had been tryin' to formulate thoughts and beliefs about situations such as thus when it was that she came up to me,
-do you have a light?

and she asked all a curly haired and nose pierced a straight line into the unconscious that comes when you're already halfway there ignitin' all thoughts all aflame. and even then i knew that my knowin' most likely came from a stage seein' and that i should keep to quiet but there was somethin' personal in the way she inadvertently worked her way into my thinkin'. nothin' that was a thing between me and her but the somethin' that was a between me and her the very essence of a thing i had been thinkin' on all since the most of the day.

and really it was the not knowin' that got to me and into the insides that i couldn't quite correlate with conscious knowin' that led me to thinkin' that this was a chance encounter better left not to chacnce but to figurin' but she had already sped bicycle peddled into the night leavin' me with the uncertainty that carried me for a good several blocks.

and it wasn't until i had nearly caught to evenin' friends that i recognized remembered and knew that i had sat on the arm of her couch playin' party games and formin' a disallowed crush on her and the very same. an evenin' i had meant and even yes tried and attempted to enjoy myself with the company of otherns in what could be called an attempt at normalcy. a time when i was in the midst of not carin' about in the most intimate of ways though pretendin' to because i was meant to as decided by all and everyone outside myself. a time when i was recoverin' from heartache and the pain that seems to come all too often and yet not often enough in my shortest of lives. i had yes i knew seen her astage in what had been a finest moment of sorts for one i had never given too many fine moments myself. i had seen her talk an act of love and love lost and love failed. i had spoken to her over patriotic pastimes on front lawns avoidin' what i knew to be a very soon painful period in the life of another or maybe not so very much but if in fact a yes very much so a very much so due to my own and a very much myself.

and all this because i was near approached and asked,
-do you have a light?
all this that turned me to thinkin' on a life so intertwined with my own, that self same one i've known so well and so little that had furiously furrow-browed into thinkin' on my own. of loves lost. of loves betrayed. of loves let go.

and of loves lately hoped.

by the time i had made it to the insides of what i'm even just now startin' to call a home i realized that there are sometimes necessary steps for takin'. lettin' go and lettin' live are what we sometimes and must be forced to doin'. forgivin', and this is most important, ourselves when even we don't know the why and what for.

movin' on is movin' on in all its myriad of ways. and movin' on is movin' on in the ways to which we cain't so no. a lettin' go that frees up toward and most wholly to that worth embracin'.

A Final Once Over Before The In The Moment And Now

a shaky glitter legs train stop is not what i needed not tonight nor not ever certainly no if in fact we're bein' not to mention specifyin' so i thinks on to other things which are other things worth thinkin' on much more of much less but much more and so much so because they're things worth thinkin' on in the circumstance or otherwise things like the origins of 'circumstance' and all its latin originations what with the 'with' embedded because i know a certain someone who would understand such an embeddination and the same certain someone who is worth thinkin' on in the latest circumstances which have turned out to be pleasant in the surprises yet not surprises that come with and it's a good feelin' this thinkin' on a good thing indeed. and so much so.

i roll through my head like a mouth full of marbles the decline of families and the missed opportunities and the left behind escapin' that i have might just maybe have done in my life or at least read through the words of the othern who have made my life that which it is in and of itself and of course of othern because who are any of us with out 'em. nothin' that's who. the who what are the who that which we are because of and no other reason except for that same and very who what let us down while we do the same in the cities too numerous to name.

and then a ring like phone but not quite but close enough

and then a buttoned silence like an acceptance of such

and then as i was listening and ready a...
-it's me
-who else
-i just called to say
-i know
-sometimes you are nicest
-in the early morning hours
-when you are even
-dead to the world
-i know

and we repeated reversin' that self same conversation until those same early morning hours that had lost all that magic that they were used to havin' back when what was was more an is until it was all just words on a page but still not quite page like we grew up knowin' continued until she faded out across a sea i'd sailed so many times before with waves and wind and hull battered back and forth.

and all this after a birthday party for a mangy pup among the hollows in the well painted walls of the old little new paris of this city's straightened boulevards where i was quizzed and tested and subjected to likin' a somethin' i ain't never gonna and no how but all with a love casual hands and friendship i don't get all too often enough.

i felt alone and at the same time i felt found like i hadn't in so very long.