A Final Once Over Before The In The Moment And Now

a shaky glitter legs train stop is not what i needed not tonight nor not ever certainly no if in fact we're bein' not to mention specifyin' so i thinks on to other things which are other things worth thinkin' on much more of much less but much more and so much so because they're things worth thinkin' on in the circumstance or otherwise things like the origins of 'circumstance' and all its latin originations what with the 'with' embedded because i know a certain someone who would understand such an embeddination and the same certain someone who is worth thinkin' on in the latest circumstances which have turned out to be pleasant in the surprises yet not surprises that come with and it's a good feelin' this thinkin' on a good thing indeed. and so much so.

i roll through my head like a mouth full of marbles the decline of families and the missed opportunities and the left behind escapin' that i have might just maybe have done in my life or at least read through the words of the othern who have made my life that which it is in and of itself and of course of othern because who are any of us with out 'em. nothin' that's who. the who what are the who that which we are because of and no other reason except for that same and very who what let us down while we do the same in the cities too numerous to name.

and then a ring like phone but not quite but close enough

and then a buttoned silence like an acceptance of such

and then as i was listening and ready a...
-it's me
-who else
-i just called to say
-i know
-sometimes you are nicest
-in the early morning hours
-when you are even
-dead to the world
-i know

and we repeated reversin' that self same conversation until those same early morning hours that had lost all that magic that they were used to havin' back when what was was more an is until it was all just words on a page but still not quite page like we grew up knowin' continued until she faded out across a sea i'd sailed so many times before with waves and wind and hull battered back and forth.

and all this after a birthday party for a mangy pup among the hollows in the well painted walls of the old little new paris of this city's straightened boulevards where i was quizzed and tested and subjected to likin' a somethin' i ain't never gonna and no how but all with a love casual hands and friendship i don't get all too often enough.

i felt alone and at the same time i felt found like i hadn't in so very long.

Happy Is The Only Map, Freedom Is The Direction Of Walking

from somewhere in central nation, middle kingdom, or
maybe it was china
by way of russia, finland, sweden, norway, united kindgdom, or
of course:



三月
想去海边、去沙滩、去花市、去游乐园、
去商场、去琴行、去星巴克、去吃草莓慕斯
去每个迎面遇上的地方
想鬼喊鬼叫、想狂跳、想迎着风大笑
尽管那像个疯子
不经历冬的严寒，又怎能体会春的温暖
不经过枯萎的日子，又怎能欣喜花开的幸福
这个春天
快乐是唯一的地图，自由是行走的方向
系上希望的安全带，出发！

or... (maybe?)

march
you will go to the beach on the beach,
on the flower market, the park
go to department stores, piano,
and starbucks, go to strawberry mousse
each head of a local event
ghost want to scream, i will,
laughing as the wind
even as the madman
not bitter experience of cold winter,
how can we evaluate the thermal spring
you do not want every other day,
how the welfare of the joy of blossoming
in our
day is the only card
that freedom
to the foot area
i hope that the safety belt
is a line that starts!

and she just might be right
except it ain't no march
it's a train goes slow
so maybe that's why i saw
and i saw judas iscariot
carrying john wilkes booth
so maybe that's the why
the why are you so beautiful

On That Train And Gone But Maybe Who Knows Where

a good peoples in my corner oh yes out of nowhere and then new people that make me have faith in this thing we all know but are so very somewhat scared of and an i love you we will make good theatre goodbye and whoa that is not what i expected but what i needed so much more than i can put into these words all scattershot, these fallover words a' comin' out right. how could i say no? how can i a no when all is so much a yes and a pointin' to what i cannot a no towards? me i have no ideas how so but if you all of any have a clue let me know but here's a havin' a feelin' you'll only be all a yes and a keep pressing on.

who is gonna shoe my purty little feet? who is gonna glove my hand? who is gonna kiss my red ruby lips? who's gonna be my man? i got all the answers i need.

takes a worried a man to sing a worried song
i'm worried now
but i won't be worried long

All A. Bird Lyrics Fit Into Tiny Space Of This A Title Space Too Small For All That It Needs

i got there early. she did too. but i got there earlier. so there was that.

i ain't gonna say it ain't a problem no it most definitely is i agree YES ok but among all the other things problematic and problemish it really ain't that much of a big whoa watch out because it is a thing in and of itself a thing i more or less understand sure so maybe i'm gonna be ok with it as a problem and maybe with that an ok sure because it ultimately is a very nice and a perhaps wonderful thing with out the problem because without the problems that come with so many of the things mine and yours so many of those things are in fact very nice and perhaps wonderful and maybe that's what we're a' needin' because we are the problem creators us folks when in fact we're only staring at the nice and the perhaps wonderful because we're easy frightenin' and shakyscared at the good that happens because what are we deservin' of the good right i know but we are still the good and deservin' of such so maybe all those problems should be laughed away and we should meet for that coffee and a say hi good to see you again in the light of day even when it is a somewhat little awkward nervous shakyscared because these are the goodnesses that we want when they're not happenin' so when they do happen we should maybe perhaps enjoy them. am i wrong? i do not most definitely in fact think i am NO.

i've never felt so good about feeling like such a fraud. a fraud in the crumbled financial institutions of this land. there will be snacks. there will. there will be snacks. there will. be. there will be snacks.

Words Words Words Only Just No Something Oldofatime Words

love is a deeper season
than reason;
my sweet one
(and april's where we[']re)

שאול (pt. 5 - the dramatic climax)

so it turns out...
it ain't sheol
it's just life
but there ain't no de profundis either
it's all quite different my boy
quite different
now you can see it
it couldn't care less about you
the world couldn't
because we live in a world
where strangers share their bed and get you high
and friends make you walk to the bus station in the rain
so i don't know what to think
and i doubt i ever will
but that might be half the fun
because the world needs different guys
not made of sugar
but of sugar and dirt
and all mixed up together
guys who make it their life work to be who they are
guys who make shit
just don't forget:
there's a little black train a comin'
coming down the track
you've gotta ride that little black train
but it ain't gonna bring you back
so make the best of it...
whatever the fuck that means

שאול (a momentino)

sometimes it's hard to know whether you're peeking up over the edge, or if you've slipped through all the way to the other side.

it's even harder to know which you'd prefer.

שאול (pt. 4 - a strange[r] interlude)

She called to say
-I found your number on a bank receipt somewhere in the lining of a coat i haven't worn in six years due to the fact that it was buried in a box out behind the grave we dug for our first dog when it died suddenly from what they called an ear infection when i was that age somewhere between what would have made it traumatic and what would have caused me to simply shrug and call it a fact of life because i was looking for an old letter you had written me that i decided i was finally ready to listen to even though it had gotten lost in the mail and ended up somewhere in the french alps or maybe india because i always got those two confused when i tried to remember the exact location of that scar you had on your hand that you got from an accidental knife wound while slicing up that twelve pound bag of potatoes for some soup or other you never got around to making which i was looking forward to even though i understood you'd never get around to bringing it down to the post office which is fine considering they weren't around back then and i knew i had your number somewhere which you told me to use if i ever needed in case of an emergency.
-Is this an emergency?
-It's too slow to be an emergency.
-So what's on your mind?

She proceeded to say much more.

-But before i go any further, she asked: Have you been practicing?
-My diatetratonic scales?
-No the what to say the intaking it all in in quotable bursts to vomit up later on strangers' shoes.

I stopped because i didn't know what else to write. Looking back i knew instantly that it all pointed to me being a fraud. I knew i wasn't, but i also know what it's like to catch a reflection in a window and want to be that guy. So really... what the hell do i know.

But she was waiting on the line and i had to say something.
-"What is weight really when you say the weight? Thirtytwo feet per second, per second. Law of falling bodies: per second, per second. They all fall to the ground. The earth. It's the force of gravity of the earth is the weight."
-Yeah i've read that before but i don't want that i want the from you that is you and not something else an other not you.
-Nobody really honestly ever wants that from me.
-But i do.
-Then you're a liar.
-Well then can i ask.
-You know you can.
-Have you ever heard the same song only to realize that you wrote it with your life in such a way that it's enough to be what you never got in the first place?
-On a monday not so very long ago.
-Then you know what i mean.
-If you mean that we walk down residential streets listening to a song that is the apologia to our hearts that no one is ever strong enough to give of themselves because they are the more broken versions of ourselves that we could never imagine without their years and bad eyes that happened while they weren't noticing because they were busy being us with the sameness that we now know as being unknown because in our ears we've got the music they should've sung from perches of passenger side pillows in darkest hours when our eyes were closed and we were unknowing and unknowed until then before their leavings without explanations, without the same old sames olds, without... anything really just a leaving that leaves us and leaves us feeling left handed awkward left behind and left? Then yeah. I've got a vague idea.
-Exactly.
-That's the probably and the most ridiculous thing you've ever said.
-Yeah, well i don't read French, Spanish, German, or Latin, and my Hebrew's less than great so you better remember what Shaw said.
-I don't give a fuck what Shaw said.
-And i don't give a shawing fucking shaw fuck what you give, gave, or gived, you can at least remember what you wrote.
-I've never written a word in my life.

She paused as if reading the reading of the dictionary of my life's denotations.

She spoke as if knowing the knowing of the dictionary of my life's connotations.
-The worst part is not being able to tell whether you've managed to somehow climb out, or if instead you've fallen back in without noticing.
-I may have said that in passing to the blind, deaf, and dumb of another's subconscious i never met when i was sailing around the world as a-
-Yeah well claw your way out mother fucker claw your way out until your fingers bleed and your mouth fills with dirt just claw your way out mother fucker claw your way out.

She slammed down the phone and i was left with a ringing in my ears i hadn't experienced until since.

I had so much more to write, but she was so right it pretty much finished me.

I didn't expect to hear from her again for some time.